he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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