When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
