Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
it's like iHOP with fire
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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