I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
