Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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