capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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