My friends, they love my intelligence
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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