you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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