remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Randomize
