remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
