ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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