omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I'm really busy with my period
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