when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
