You just made me feel so damn special
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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