he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Randomize
