Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
