I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
