I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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