people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
