Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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