he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I stole a fireplace last night.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
