ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Randomize
