That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
