new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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