I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
