so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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