Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
