We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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