census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
