I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
