You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
