i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He's a Shit stain on my heart
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
