If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goatâ€
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
