Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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