Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
