two words...techno handjob
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You pole danced in your parka.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
