I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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