Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
