Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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