i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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