I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
