I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
