I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I puked a lego.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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