it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
