If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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