Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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