I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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