so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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