My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Vodka?
Forever.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
