If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I'm passing your future prison.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize