i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Randomize
