Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
