Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
