Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
