i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He shit in the fireplace
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize