He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
