So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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