I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
