yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
