I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I just want to make out with him forever
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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